Q: Should I tell others about my paruresis?

A: Paruresis thrives on secrecy and shame. It’s an essential part of recovery to let others know about your paruresis and to observe that most people are supportive and don’t view it in the same catastrophic or shameful way that you do. This will help you begin to see that a lot of the shame and guilt you feel don’t exist in others; it is self generated as a consequence of the phobia. Once you tell friends about your paruresis, you’ll find that they will be more understanding, and you’ll be less nervous around them when the need arises to use a restroom. That alone will reduce anxiety and make it easier to urinate.

Use good sense when choosing whom you share your paruresis with. Telling trusted individuals, close friends, and family members is a good way to begin. People you don’t feel would be likely to support you are not good allies in helping you with your recovery. People in the workplace may not be a good choice if you feel sharing the information might be used against you in any way (such as a malicious employee suggesting you are a drug user in order to force you to undergo a drug test and put your job in danger.)

If you encounter a negative or insensitive response from a person, try not to let it affect you. People who are ignorant or condescending toward those with paruresis are the ones who have an illness: A lack of empathy and inability to help and support others.  There are a small number of people like that we will encounter, and the best course is to avoid them. But don’t let a few people stand in the way of your recovery by preventing you from taking a chance on sharing your paruresis in order to find supportive help from people you trust. The benefits we gain from reaching out to the good people in our lives far outweigh the risks.